Listen: Beyonce- I Care
I’m a loner. Always have been. I feel more comfortable being alone. There could be several reasons for that. I’m an only child. I never had siblings to socialize with. Sure, I had cousins, but that isn’t the same. Back in the 90s, if you didn’t have a mom and a dad–you were picked on and bullied. I never had many friends. I have never known how to talk to people. I’m inherently uncomfortable around strangers. I make it a point to find as many ways to avoid human contact in public as possible. I don’t know what it is. Sure, it’s anxiety. But is it more than that?
I have already established in previous posts that I don’t trust easily. There are reasons for that. It’s been a long journey to being 26. A long, painful one at that. I have walls up but they serve the purpose of protecting me from potential pain. Life has taught me to what I hope to be an excellent judge of character. I am hypervigilant. I don’t miss anything and my memory is both a gift and a curse.
As humans, we try to pretend that we don’t care what people think of us. But that school of thought is ridiculous. The truth is that everyone judges everyone. Judgement is a fundamental element in natural selection. The difference is that some of us are compassionate enough to find the strengths in someone’s weaknesses. But then there are those of us who ridicule and criticize. That’s the difference between a hater and a supporter.
I have tried damn hard to pretend that I don’t care what people think of me. But if I am being honest with myself–I care. I care because I want to be good at being a good person. I want to be genuine, authentic. I care a great deal about social justice and people who have less than I do. I even care about people who have more than me. I care about people. But I can’t deal with being around people all the time. Where is the sense in that?
My theory is that I have a habit of taking on other people’s’ stress–their issues. I internalize and empathize to at some points to a fault. I have learned that about myself. And the best thing I can do for me is to learn how to say no. I’m trying to teach others like me the same.
I have spent many years trying to find my own identity that is me to the core and not layers of others. It took a long time to get here, but I think I have a pretty good grasp on who I am. The issue I seem to be having is convincing other people that I am who I say I am. As I’ve stated in other posts, people like to use the terms “bitch,” “selfish,” and “rude” as adjectives to describe me. In my heart, I KNOW I am none of these words.
I see myself as a product of my experiences. I have been heavily influenced by the way my Grandparents raised me. I am independent because that is what I was taught to be. I am wise because of my life experience and my love of books and all things educational. I am compassionate and for the most part, pretty damn understanding. I care about the environment. I care about people. I’m not an animal person but I appreciate them. Honesty and loyalty are real for me. I am real. I am very direct, and most times I get criticized for it. Because no one likes confrontation. I am not afraid of the truth or its delivery. If you ask me something, expect the full, blunt force of the truth. Nothing less. I am funny. I love to laugh; and what better gift is there but to spread joy? I have feministic views. I love women. Especially black women. I am true to my roots with my natural hair and melanin. I want us all to succeed. I will always tell a woman how beautiful she is, that I like her outfit, or anything that will uplift her. Empowerment is important to me. Both for men and women alike–no matter what background. I do a lot of selfless things daily but I never get recognition for it.
Clearly, I know who I am. But do other people see me how I see myself? Logically, I know that there are bad people who are well liked and that there are good people who are overlooked. I also know that “nice” does not necessarily mean “good.”
I asked people who knew me personally on Facebook if they thought I was a good person. Because, validation.
M: I believe you are a good person because you are a good advocate for other and yourself. You don’t go out of your way to harm others. You are not purposely cruel. You are kind, smart and loyal. You might not show it but you are a big (whispers) softy. You carry the world on your shoulders. And no one knows. Not because you are evil, cold or unkind but because you have learned a way to survive. DO NOT and I mean it DO NOT let the way people PERCEIVE you, DEFINE you. You have gotten this far because you have successfully (even if at times it felt like a failure) navigated thus far. You are a strong Sail in the middle of a Hurricane.
A: You’re nice and fun. You have a good head on your shoulders and you tell it how it is.
K: They should you are kind, caring, helpful. You have a beautiful soul. Others should know that just by having one conversation with you.
A2: I think you are a great person. Maybe to some people they just need to get to know you better. Once they get to know you, you make people laugh, and you are a great person to talk to. You give people compliments. Everyone has bad days, it doesn’t mean they are bad people. Keep being you
D: Um, obviously. Your line of work proves that alone. Plus, I’m only friends with good people 😝. The fact that you care whether or not you’re a good person proves it too. Assholes don’t care about the impression they make on people.
I am not someone who opens up easily to others. Like I said, I have no idea how to talk to people unless there is a situation where I feel comfortable or the awkwardness is mutual. The point I am trying (and I think failing) to make is that I want people to see me as a good person. I could give a damn if they like me or not. But you will respect the fact that I hold my own and I am AM A GOOD PERSON. I don’t have to be liked. I don’t need a lot of friends or followers. I just want who I am and the movement that I represent to be respected.
People will never understand me fully. I have accepted that. Like M said, I have many layers and it takes a special person to be patient with me and discover the richness and purity that resides in my soul.