For some time now, I have struggled to find my baseline. Whether I like to admit it or not, I have lived my life in Fight or Flight Mode. I had to. It served its purpose. I had to find a way to survive the pain and darkness that life has always seemed throw me. There have been times that I have been in Fight Mode whereas other times, I was in Flight Mode. And there have been times where I have been somewhere in between. I learned to function in the chaos around me at a level of comfort that fit me at the time. I learned to Survive by building walls around me and shutting people out. Because in my mind, if I don’t allow anyone that close to me, then they can’t hurt me. Like so many people before them have.
Since I was a young girl, I have struggled with interpersonal relationships and just relating to others in general. I have always been more comfortable alone and finding Peace and Stability within myself. With the exception of my Grandparents, I have never given my whole self to anyone else. For the last 27 years, I have stacked brick after brick in an effort to make sure that I never give anyone else the power to cause me pain. Before my Grandmother passed away, I was mostly unable to properly communicate my feelings and often bottled things away. Until the rage would set in and I would explode. The tilt. It might not have been healthy, but it worked. For a period of time. It’s how I survived high school and most of college.
And then my Grandmother passed away and something in me shifted. Suddenly, I knew how to identify my emotions and their triggers. I was crying at movies–both happy and sad. This was foreign to me. I wasn’t raised in a family where emotions were easily placed on display or communicated. I felt raw and overstimulated. Again, I pushed people away because I could feel those walls tumbling and everything I thought I knew about strength was crumbling along with it. For a long time, being strong was being tough and never allowing anyone too close.
And then I discovered Chakras and Crystals and Energy. And I realized that I wanted people to know me. All the parts of the whole. And yet I still hold most people at an arm’s length–no matter how close they think we are. I am a lot people’s friend…but I don’t have a lot of friends. I have lived life on this never-ending tilting axis of fear and strength. I adapted during times of chaos and learned to live in fear of others and the pain I know they are capable of causing me.
I had to learn at a young age that the only person I know for sure I can depend on, is me. I know that I will always look out for self first because there have been few others to do so in the past. Abuse and self-harm come in many forms and my weapon of choice just happened to be isolation. In hindsight, how could I ever really have been upset about being misunderstood when I never allowed anyone close enough to understand?
Old habits die hard and at this point it is so difficult–painful, really– to try to navigate life in such a way that makes it feel okay for me to let someone in. For them to see me at my most raw and vulnerable. The thought that someone could ever touch my soul that deep terrifies me on another level. I have always found clarity in solitude–despite my loneliness–and I have always found Peace in my time alone.
Until now. Once again, my World has shifted and I don’t know how to handle it. I have lived in a tilted world for so long that it became my baseline. But now, somehow my soul feels balanced. My vision has shifted and I feel exposed and emotional and to be honest, a little bit crazy. The fact that someone else can see the best parts of me without me having to explain who I am or how I operate is amazing. I have never felt so immediately comfortable and safe in any relationship to be as vulnerable as I am with this individual. I crave the Energy and the stillness I feel with this person. But at the same time, I am terrified and every bit of me wants to run. But my soul…she wants to feel and be felt.
My Soul craves this newfound balance but my mind is causing me to over think and second guess. I need to reeducate myself on just being and feeling. There have been very few times in my life where my Indigo Instincts were wrong. And right now, my instincts are telling me to be patient, be present, but most of all: be happy. Strength comes in more forms than just fighting and being guarded. This next chapter in my life is about deconstructing each brick so that I can live at my fullest capacity. Nothing will demonstrate my strength more than allowing someone else to touch my soul. To have that power. And to trust them enough to cultivate my Garden instead of trampling my flowers.
I am but a rosebud now, but feed my soul and I just might Bloom.