It’s Lonely at the Top

I’ve come to the startling realization that I don’t have any friends. I have a handful of people I associate with, but none that I can wholeheartedly call my friend. And that’s okay. They aren’t for me. And who I am now, isn’t for them. I’m not for everyone. I’m a lot to deal with–I can admit that. Who I used to be–she was hard to deal with in all the wrong ways. But the Woman I am today, she is hard for a lot of people to swallow for all the right reasons. I have come a long way in the last few years. As I stepped into my Womanhood, I outgrew many of the people that I surrounded myself with. And as I stepped into the comfort of my Blackness, I lost even more friends. And again, that’s okay. Life is about growing, learning, and doing more. Sometimes that means parting with people and things that we held onto when we were different versions of ourselves.

After the death of my Grandmother, I struggled with finding my place in the world which translated to anger. I was so angry. I felt betrayed by my family for not being there for me and it made me angry–bitter even. I had become toxic. At one point, it felt like everything around me crumbled. Grief and anger consumed me. I struggled like that for almost three years. I put myself back in counseling to try to make sense of who I was or who I wanted to become. I stumbled for a while, but in 2017 I rediscovered my place in the world and made the decision to be a better version of me. Whatever that might mean. And that vision has grown with me in 2018. The Energy I emit is much more positive these days and it takes a little more to set me off.

Like I’ve said before, Energy is everything. Some people hold on to the pain and negativity and forget what it’s like to Live. It becomes a cycle. I was once the toxicity that I was trying to escape. But some people cannot or don’t know how to break that cycle. So that Energy eats them up and causes them to see darkness even if there is light. That darkness morphs into a type of paranoia that holds power over that person. That paranoia is a liar. And unfortunately that paranoia causes that person to lose all trust in those around them. They can never see goodness. And no matter how much they try to tell themselves to be positive, they never truly can.

Can people really change? I believe in redemption and that if a person makes a conscious choice and makes an effort, change can happen. I’m proof of that. But there are some people who have been hurt so badly that they can’t recognize true change in another person. So the paranoia sets in, walls go up, and things get said that don’t need to be said. Feelings get hurt. In the past, during the transition of my Energy, people like this would get to me. I’d get angry. And I think I was angry because I thought that everyone evolved the same and had the same understanding that the past is the past and that its okay to move on. But that is not the case. Some of us are stronger than others–we can let go.

Once I realized that we are all human and we can only continue to do what we have come to know and understand–life got easier. I learned to forgive myself and others more easily. I freed up so much Energy I was wasting being pulled back into negativity. People can only treat you the way you allow them to. So I stopped allowing someone else’s negative Energy get the best of me. My anger has turned into acceptance and in some ways, it has turned into indifference. I have broken the cycle of toxicity in my life because I simply don’t allow other people to have power over me. I speak my Peace, and I walk away. I don’t argue anymore and I’m not interested in revenge. Understanding is my only goal. And some people either don’t want to understand or they aren’t where I am mentally or spiritually. And that’s okay.

I have evolved in major ways in just a short span of time which I have realized has caused me to grow out of certain habits or behaviors. This includes my issues with attachment. For most of my life, people would leave me (or I would perceive it this way) voluntarily or by death. So I would look for anyone to hold onto–no matter how toxic or unproductive the attachment was. This is true for family and friends especially. But in my evolution, I realized that it’s okay to be alone. Especially if it means that I can be at Peace with myself and the world around me.

For a long time, that loneliness ate at me. But I realized that some of my friendships were one-sided, unproductive, or detrimental to my mental and spiritual health. Growing pains. In my Awakening, I have so much more patience these days. I am much more patient with myself in addition to being patient with others. The more I come into the Woman I am supposed to be, I am finding it harder to relate to certain people in my life and I’m at a point where I simply do not have the Energy to do so anymore. I don’t have any animosity towards them, we just vibrate on different frequencies. And I no longer see the point in holding onto relationships where the Energy isn’t right just for the sake of an attachment. That’s not where I am anymore. It’s okay to be alone. It’s okay not to relate to people. It’s okay to step away from people that don’t have the same goals or views as you. It’s okay to be YOU.

You will find–as I have–that in your growth, you will grow out of people, things, and places that used to define you. But these things will change–your needs will change. There will be a period of depression because you will be lonely. But understand that these are just growing pains. And you will come out stronger and better after you walk through the flames. I have.