Life has a funny way of showing you things. Sometimes we get what we want, sometimes we get otherwise. Or really, that is our perception. When we focus our energy on healing and positive things, our life can change. But for so many of us, letting go of the past and rising above our trauma and hurt can be difficult. I’m struggling with this now. Actually, I have been for years now. I have recently decided that I am not my negative thoughts and my trauma does not have to define me in the way that I have let it for so many years. I am not my pain. I am my Strength. That’s what makes me a Phoenix.
I’m not sure what it’s like for others who have experienced trauma, but for me trauma creates this distrust of myself and others because I have been hurt so many times in the past by those close to me. Trauma eats away at my hope and fuels my fear of many things. It makes me overthink, over feel, and over exert myself to please others at some level.
But I have decided to take back my Power. I am reclaiming my time. I am manifesting Abundance. I am on a Healing journey. For some years now, I have been working on myself and how I relate to other people. But I forgot that I needed to start with myself. I am the most important part to my Healing journey. First, I needed to learn to forgive myself for decisions I have made in the past. Then I needed to start practicing self care more seriously. I needed to find my voice again. Because, despite being a writer, I have never been able to find my own voice.
So for the next seven weeks or so, I will be writing letters to different versions of myself. Starting with my childhood, into my adolescence, my young adulthood, life after the darkest point in my life, my present self, and my future self. I want to honor each version of myself and speak to her in a way that was needed when I was dealing with whatever painful experience at the time. A lot of my pain from the past is because I didn’t have certain needs met or I wasn’t heard in the way that I needed to be heard. I have a lot of unresolved issues because I can’t speak directly to the people or visit the places where certain events occurred. There is no closure. So I am creating it for myself.
I know now that my Healing Journey has to start from within because I can only be responsible for myself and the Energy that I carry and the Vibration that I give off. I can’t change the past, but I can learn from it. This is how I choose to live in my own truth. Despite how painful it will be to go back in my memories. Despite how awkward or embarrassing it will be to share.
These are the Scarlet Seven: Letters to from the Ashes.
You’re only five years old and yet life has not been easy for you. No one can see it, but I know that you harbor a deep, fiery rage inside your young soul. It burns dangerously close to the surface. People see the anger in your eyes and mistake it for grief or sadness but they are wrong. They write you off because they think you are sad because your mother died before you got to know her and your father left before he got to know you. And because the kids at school tease you because you don’t have parents and you’re the freak who lives with her grandparents. You aren’t sad. You are pissed off.
And through all this, you don’t know how to articulate your feelings because your mom stole your voice before you ever got to find yours. Your future was pre-written by some other ghost writer who didn’t bother to ask for your input. It makes your blood boil. You want to scream. So instead you isolate yourself and ignore what anyone has to say about anything. You don’t believe adults because they tell you what to do but don’t practice what they preach. Nothing in your life makes sense or has much meaning to you.
You learn that your voice doesn’t matter even if you try to speak up. The kids at school are so mean to you and the teachers do nothing. You sit front row in the corner with your head down. They wrote you off as being shy and “conscientious.” They failed you–you were so alight with quiet rage so you did whatever you could to get attention. You purposefully wet yourself so that you could leave school or for someone to pay attention for the 15 minutes it took to wash up and change your clothes. But they wrote you off as defiant and lazy. And that’s on them. You don’t have to own others’ opinions of you. Especially when they don’t know your pain. But you are not your demons. They do not own or possess you. You are free to be your own person. The voice you hear inside your head is not your identity. You are not your thoughts.
So many people have let you down in such a short period of time that you find it near impossible to trust anyone. And when you do, you hold on just a little too tight and it scares them away so you end up alone anyway. You are not your attachments. People are unreliable.All you have is yourself and that inner fire.
I know you want to be good and obey your grandparents but something in you rebels against them. Something inside you can feel that something isn’t right here–something doesn’t make sense. You’re right.But you swallow your words because you are still afraid to use your voice. Don’t be. You deserve to be heard. Your voice is important. You matter. Do not allow yourself to be engulfed by the fire inside you. Let the fire burn and share it with the people around you. You are amazing–extraordinary.
You have the gifts of Memory and Sight. You see everything, you remember the details that others forgot or failed to notice. The way they seemed to forget you. But you, dear girl– you are a warrior. You are fierce.Use that fire inside you to find your voice. Don’t be afraid to speak your fears, your wants, and your needs. It’s okay to be vulnerable. Even now, at your most vulnerable, someone should have told you that it is okay to be angry. It’s okay to have emotions. You are not a robot. And you don’t have to be who your grandparents want you to be. You are not your mother. You are not your father. You are not anyone but yourself.
Don’t let the fire control you–you ARE the Fire. Light it up.