You are in a dark place. I get that. But you cannot allow it to consume you. Get up. Move. Put your bare feet on the ground. Find something to connect with again. Find something–anything to fill that gap in your heart left by your Grandmother’s passing. Take this time for you. Take this time to be still, to honor her. But don’t forget to honor yourself. You are what’s most important now.
In all your years spent together, I know that you thought she was invincible. There were so many times before this when you she should have, could have left you but something kept her bound in the flesh. Her spirit was determined to watch you fly. You know this. She told you so. But in your mind, she was your G-Ma–the truest of Gangsters. Because life threw so many bullets at her and somehow she managed to dodge them all.
A few months before her death you had a conversation with her that I know you can’t get out of your mind. And I know you feel both angry and selfish for telling her that if she was in pain on this Earth, she didn’t need to hold on for your sake anymore. It has never occurred to you that she would see that you were ready to be on your own and take heed. How could she leave you here, alone and lost? How could she abandon you just like everyone else did? Doesn’t she know that you need her? I see that you are filled with so many bottled up screams. Just know that she would never have left you if she didn’t feel that you were strong enough. She never has before. Keep that thought and hold it to your heart.
She would not have left you if she didn’t know in her heart that you were strong enough and wise enough to make it without her. Remember that she is only gone in the flesh, not in spirit. She is all around you. Her values, her Wonder, lie deep within you, child. Like Grandmother Willow. Take a minute to watch Pocahontas and remember why you fell in love with the movie in the first place. It was always because of Grandmother Willow. If you need to speak to her, go outside. Sit by the water, stand between the trees. She’s there. Her love surrounds you and gives you the strength you don’t even believe you possess.
I know that you feel abandoned–by everyone. Family members who said they would be here–just simply aren’t. I can see the rage this lights within in you. But don’t forget–they are grieving too. Everyone deals with things differently. Everything is not about you. Their absence probably has a lot more to do with them than it has to do with you. I can see how lonely you feel. I know how much your heart aches. I see how you question everything in the world–including your place in it. But don’t allow yourself to fall so deep into the rabbit hole that you can’t come up for air. Take a breath. Grief is like a spiral staircase, sometimes it’s up and sometimes it’s down but either way there is always a way out.
You are searching for the answers to questions you already have the answer to. You know who you are. You know what you were put here on this Earth to do. Let this broken feeling be the Light that sets you free. Healing is not an easy process. It isn’t linear. It isn’t all yoga and candles and crystal magick. Healing is crying those ugly tears suddenly out of no where when you’re alone for just a moment. You can’t fix other people. You can only fix yourself.
For the first time in your life, you are feeling emotions. And I know that the idea of that is both foreign and terrifying to you but it is okay to feel. It is okay to cry, to be angry, to scream, etc. Trust me, feeling is good for you. All these years of suppressing who you are–suppressing your emotions and your thoughts–it stops now. Because now you can connect emotions to descriptions in ways that you couldn’t before. You used to write about pain but never truly felt it. All you have ever done is bottle it up and seal your emotions away until the rage took over–the Fire. You can either let your emotions guide you, or you can let them rule you. Make your choice.
Find your spark again. Light that Fire. Some Women are lost in the Fire, others are lost in it. Which woman will you become?