I’m a planner. I like to plan things. Maybe a little more than what is best for me. But it has been my life experience that if you fail to plan, then you plan to fail. But I’m learning more everyday that I may have taken this quote a bit too literally. I am stubborn and I thrive in structure. So when something is out of place, I feel vulnerable and exposed. Those are two emotions that I am not good at processing or comfortable experiencing. My life thus far has been a whirlwind of planning, procrastination, and let downs. All because of planning.
I’m not saying that planning is a bad thing–that is not what I am saying at all. I think I am just finally realizing that everything can’t be planned out. And honestly, maybe it shouldn’t be. If we plan everything out, then that means we have expectations–usually high ones. And if things don’t go the way we planned for or expected them to go then we end up depressed, disappointed, or perhaps even angry.
It’s not bad to plan. It’s not bad that I want to feel secure–because that is something that I haven’t necessarily been able to experience in the past. But planning does not need to rule my life. It doesn’t get to say who I am. It doesn’t mean that I am a control freak. In fact, there are a lot of situations in my life where I honestly wish someone else would just pick up the pen and say “hey, your story doesn’t go like this.” Because what I have been doing all of these years has not been helpful. Or actually, that’s not true. All behavior has meaning and everything happens for a reason so at some point, the planning was good for me.
My mistake was in attempting to plan everything in my life. Because that isn’t real life. But, like I said, I am stubborn. I will try something my way 1000+ times before I take heed and listen to someone else’s input. That’s something else I struggle with but that is another conversation for another day. I’ve written here before that freedom lies at the end of your comfort zone and as someone who struggles with the unknown, that can be a little scary.
Sometimes it can be hard to let go allow yourself to live and accept that you can’t control everything in your life. My biggest fear in life is that I won’t have enough. But the truth is, we can’t ever have enough. And the thing about life is that you will kill yourself trying to be enough for other people to like you or trying to have what you think is enough money, clothes, shelter, etc. You will run yourself so far into the ground that you won’t remember what it feels like to be happy or to live in the moment. I seem to have hit that breaking point.
A lot of my anxiety comes from trying to predict the future. I create scenarios in my head about any given situation even though I don’t actually know what will happen and in doing so, I’m usually planning for the worst situation without realizing that something better could happen if only I would allow it. Most of my depression comes from trying to relive or re-create situations from the past that I have sensationalized in my mind. It’s like mourning old version of myself without loving and accepting who I am now. It took a lot for me to get here. In all my imperfections, I am beautiful. I might not completely believe that as truth just yet, but if I remind myself that life is about progress and to perfection, every day might be a little easier for me to live. Count your moments as blessings. Stop trying to live in the past to predict the future.
Recently, I heard someone say that we should stop trying to win the week, the year, the decade, etc. Stick to doing the best you can at winning the day—the moment. If you put all your focus into winning it day by day, you’ll feel better in the long run. Life is a marathon, not a sprint. The best way to get ahead is by pacing yourself. Something I’m learning to do is creating a way for me to stay motivated and part of that is simply by trying to live in the moment each day. I have spent most of my life reminiscing or trying to create perfection. But that stops today. Since I have been focusing on each day, I have felt happier—I have more energy. I’m working a lot of hours so I am perpetually exhausted but I feel better in my Soul.
We can’t change the past. We can’t predict or create the future. But we can manifest everything we have ever wanted simply by living in the moment. Gratitude goes a long way. I dare you to wake up each morning and thank all the versions of yourself that helped get you this far. Focus on what is in your power and what you can do on a daily basis that will help you be better version and help you reach your goals. Take your time. It’s not a race. Take it a day at a time. One step at a time. And don’t forget to smile while you’re doing it.