Knowing When to Let Go

I come from a long line of people who are afraid to or don’t otherwise know how to let things go. I’m talking material things, feelings, relationships, that ratty old sweatshirt that belonged to Eddie n’ them back in the day. You know, the kind of people who think that cutting people off because of old grudges is productive.

I grew up with the idea that possessions can have value the same way that people can. Let me explain. My Grandmother was a pack-rat–she was a lightweight hoarder. She had so much STUFF. Picture this: a 150 year old victorian duplex with ten rooms on either side filled with as much victorian furniture she could find. She was a collector of antiques and spent a lot of her spare time yard-saling or perusing through the isles of the local thrift shop. Then there were those family heirlooms that she refused to get rid of because cousin so-and-so got it from great-great uncle what’s-his-name. When we moved from our big house to a smaller house in the midwest, we had to downsize and it broke my Grandmother’s heart to see the things she kept close to her for comfort disappear.

As a kid, I came to understand that family was important. Those big dinners, sleepovers, and bike rides meant something. They meant that we were bonded. Or at least that’s what I thought at the time. I think that these are some of the reasons why I have struggled with the divided band of relatives I have today. When I was younger, I was taught that “blood is thicker than water.” But as my experiences have changed and my view of the world has transformed, I believe that loyalty and honor make you a family, blood just makes you related. But that’s another conversation for a different time.

Like my Grandmother, I have the habit of holding onto material possessions that I connect with positive memories or emotions. I have allowed myself to become complacent in relationships that were not good for me. I stayed at jobs I couldn’t stand because it was convenient for whatever reason and I was comfortable with that. I have lived the majority of my life afraid to let go. Of things, possessions, relationships, etc.

I was bullied a lot as a kid and I can only think of a few friends. More often than not, whenever I would develop an attachment to these friends, someone else came along to “steal them away from me.” I didn’t like sharing my time with other kids. Eventually, my friends thought I was annoying, creepy, or just “not cool” enough to be associated with. So I was left alone and bullied. I would write notes to my former friends begging them to be my friend again. It never worked. And I looked like a loser begging for people to talk to me.

As I’ve grown up, I have learned that nothing changes if you’re comfortable. Everything happens for a reason. There is a lesson in every struggle. Somewhere between my adolescence and into my adulthood I have figured out that it’s okay to let go. I have purposefully walked away from the people, places, and things that were not beneficial to my journey to happiness. I had to let go of the thing I kept close to me as a security blanket. Letting go was difficult, but boy has it been worth it.

I made a goal for myself that 2017 would be my year. Mind you, I say this every year and nothing has ever changed. But this time, I made changes and accepted my struggles for what they are. I let my past family issues go and was able to gain some sort of closure. I moved out of an uncomfortable living situation and into a new apartment. Most importantly, I got a new job.

I had been at this particular agency for 5 years and hadn’t had a raise in 3 years. I was looked over for promotions. I wasn’t being paid for the amount of work I put in each day. I never felt supported by my peers or my superiors. I stayed for so long because the job and location was convenient and familiar. But I was killing myself for nothing. It felt like there was no one there that believed in me, my vision, or anything I had to say. I got uncomfortable enough in my predictable world at this agency that I knew it was time for me to go. So I applied for other jobs and I left. Would you believe that my former supervisor never said goodbye or good luck? I was there for 5 years. Apparently, it didn’t matter.

I don’t want to sound like I’m complaining–because I am not. I just want to point out that the people, situations, or things that we think are valuable to us may not reciprocate those feelings. But letting go teaches us to put one foot in front of the other. It teaches us that we are stronger than we know. Letting go has been liberating for me. In retrospect, I was terrified of letting go because I am comfortable with familiarity. Not anymore.

I want to live my life having taken risks. I don’t want to be afraid of change. I want to experience something new everyday. I know it’s hard, but sometimes you just have to let it go. But, you have to know when to let go. When it isn’t helping you grow in a positive way it’s time to walk away. If the passion is gone and you aren’t challenged properly, let it go.

Think about it: do soldiers hold onto grenades after pulling the pin? No. They let it go because it is detrimental to their well-being to hold on. So let go. Live your life. Be you unapologetically, and most of all, BE HAPPY.

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Jagged Little Thrill: Right Behind You Review

As I’ve said many times before, I LOVE a good thriller. Anything psychology or crime related. My favorite TV shows and movies all revolve around psycho killers and sociopaths. Think: Law and Order: SVU, Criminal Minds, Hannibal, etc. I have always been fascinated by the criminal mind and mental illness. This fascination has extended to my reading activity. After reading Gillian Flynn’s Gone Girl a few years ago, my craving for psychological thrillers has been insatiable.

A year or so ago–when I spent a lot of time at Barnes and Noble before working there part-time–I discovered the intriguing cover of Lisa Gardner’s now NY Times Best Selling thriller Find Her. I had never heard of Lisa Gardner or read any of her books, but the cover and description sucked me in. I was not disappointed. Find Her is a crime/thriller hybrid about surviving/coping after being a victim of a gruesome crime. Anyway, when I saw Right Behind You hit the shelves at work I knew that I had to get a copy. Not just any copy, but a signed copy. Thanks to working at at Barnes and Noble, I heard that Lisa would be at another store in my state. Rhode Island is an hour in any direction, so I thought it would be worth the troop. I missed the discussion beforehand, but I was able to chat briefly with Lisa, get my book signed, and take this awkward picture with her.

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In my feeble attempts to get a friend to read this with me, it ended up sitting on my bookshelf for a month after I bought it. Eventually, I got impatient enough and started reading it on my own. I didn’t really need a reading partner, did I? I didn’t really think so. I dived in headfirst and immediately became submerged in the plot. This one was immediately relatable to me.

In Right Behind You, we learn that retired FBI Profilers Quincy and Rainie are about to adopt 13 year- old Sharlah May Nash who hasn’t seen her older brother, Telly Ray Nash since he murdered their parents to save their lives. The Nash siblings endured abuse and neglect from their drug addicted, alcoholic parents. Telly had to beat his drug enraged father with a baseball bat to save his baby sister. Now, eight years later Telly is the main suspect in what appears to be a vengeful killing spree. Is he the killer? Is Telly on the path for revenge?

I hate reading reviews with spoilers, so I refuse to give any details that give away the plot. But I will tell you why I loved this book so much. I work with kids in the system so I have an understanding of the trauma that causes kids to be removed from their parents. Telly and Sharlah’s case is one of many examples. With that, the trauma they endured I have seen first hand in the faces of my clients. Telly became the parentified child when he cared for his baby sister. Even through the abuse, Telly proved his resilience when he was taking Sharlah to the library and reading to her. Sharlah handed Telly that bat to save both of them. These are the reason I love working with kids–their resilience.

Now eight years later, we learn that Telly has struggled with his identity and the kind of man he wants to grow up to be. Is a hero? Or is a he a zero? I have had the privilege of working with kids who have been subjected to endure situations out of their control in which they were exploited, abused, and/or neglected. I have seen kids come from darkness and make it out on the other side. In some ways, I’m one of those kids, too. Perseverance is a beautiful metamorphic process.

Gardner wrote this both thoughtfully and provocatively. Reading this from my point of view, she captured the emotions and struggles that kids in the system must face. Furthermore, she captured the importance of bonding and the difficulties that foster children and foster parents struggle with. What does it take to be a family? When do you know you’re a family? These are questions where I feel Gardner hit the nail on the head. She took her time developing this plot and telling this story.

I haven’t read any of the other Quincy and Rainie books, but I can see how these two profilers have influence and understanding of the human condition. Quincy and Rainie put a lot of emphasis on the importance of being able to bond. In my line of work I have seen kids who are still able to bond with staff and mentors. I have also seen kids that are unable to bond–these are the kids most at risk of resorting to crime. There was decent balance of good and bad in Right Behind You. It wasn’t rushed, it didn’t ever stagnate, and I was exhilarated with every page.

My Strange Addiction: Books

My Strange Addiction: Books

I have been reading books for as long as I can remember. In pre-school, I somehow got my hands on Jack & Jill and See Spot Run. You know, the board books with all the pictures and semi-large print? Yeah, those bad boys. I carried them everywhere I went. I would sit in corners trying to put all the words together. Even then, I was enchanted by the pages of a book. When I got to kindergarten, I recall being taught the alphabet and how to phonetically pronounce letters and words.

It was in kindergarten that I remember being introduced to the idea that “Reading is FUNdamental.” I can’t remember why I was so entranced by books. Maybe it was the fact that we didn’t have cable. Maybe it was being an only child and having to entertain myself. It could have been any of these things. I just always always wanted books. My Grandmother was always willing to buy me books from Scholastic Book orders. Do they still do those? Or am I dating myself?

By first grade, I could read fairly well on my own. I wrote my first pop-up book about a prince and a princess. By the time I got to middle school, I had written a dozen books. In seventh grade, I found poetry. English/Language Arts has always been my favorite subject in school. To be a good writer is to be a good reader first. Or at least that’s what my English teachers would say.

Books and writing have helped me keep me sane all these years. Books protected me from boredom. They have given me strength and encouraged me to develop an active imagination. Thomas Jefferson once said, “I cannot live without books.” This is true for me. Books are the security blanket I haven’t had to get rid of.

I can’t remember the last time I left my house without a book. I always have backup plans. If I don’t have a paperback or hardcover stuffed into my purse, my kindle is shoved somewhere in there, or I have several books loaded onto the kindle app on my phone.

When I first got my Kindle a few years ago, I stopped buying physical books because it was cheaper. However, I found that reading is a complete experience for me. That is, a physical one in addition to a mental one. I need to smell the paper, feel the weight of the book in my hands.I discovered that with each page turned, I felt a sense of accomplishment. Especially if the book is 500+ pages–I didn’t have that with my Kindle. So now, I don’t use my Kindle unless I am reviewing ARCs on Edelweiss or NetGalley. I work in a bookstore, so I spend a lot of time perusing through books on my breaks trying to find something new to read. The discount isn’t too bad, either. 🙂

I have accumulated so many books in the last few years. When I’m anxious or stressed out, I buy books. There are worse things to be addicted to, right? I have to tell myself (and my coworkers) that I cannot buy any more books until I am finished with at least 2 of the 150 I have sitting in my bookcase at home. The struggle is real, man. People are always telling me to borrow books from work or the library. But for some reason, that doesn’t satisfy me. I need to own the books I read–I just have to see them on my bookshelf and in my room. I covet them. And I am not ashamed.

In my defense, I am always trying to give books away or encourage others to read. I’m always buying books for other people in my life. I have converted several non-readers into fellow bibliophiles in the last year or so. I thoroughly enjoy talking to people about books. Something inside me just comes to life and I am instantly animated. I love being able to share my thoughts and hear the perspectives of others. You can learn a lot about someone just from knowing what their reading preferences are. Me? I love a good thriller, but any sort of fiction will do most of the time. I love the exhilaration of trying to figure out the plot that a good thriller should provide. Some of my recent favorites include Lisa Gardner’s Right Behind You and Mary Kubica’s Pretty Baby.

I have been told that people find a hard time relating to me because I am so direct and literal. But if you can talk to me about books, I promise I’m not as scary as my facial expressions suggest I am. 🙂  Feel free to check out my reading activity over on Goodreads by clicking here!

The War on Black History

The War on Black History

Times are hard right now. Donald Trump is President. He is inexperienced in politics, yet he is fluent in bigotry and ignorance . His chosen Cabinet members are no different. We are at war. Again. And I don’t mean the overseas, bombs, and tanks kind of war. No. This war is taking place right here in what is supposed to be the greatest country in the world. These United States of America. This war is taking place in our streets, in our schools, in our businesses, and our places of employment. This war is inescapable. It is on every news station, in every magazine, reposted and re-shared over and over again on blogs and social media.

Trump would have us believing that the refugees and displaced people he is attempting to restrict from entering the U.S. are terrorists. Yet, the real terrorists wear badges and sit on congressional committees. The real terrorists have money and power–a dangerous potion of influence and media domination. In my opinion, the greatest threat to America right now, is Donald Trump and all his minions. “Make America Great Again.” When did it stop being great?

I’ll say it again, when did America stop being great? Or really, when was it ever great? What makes America so great? This is a nation bred on stolen land and free labor. This is the very nation that the Founding Fathers stole from black, brown, and native people to build upon–to flourish and prosper with the price of my ancestors blood, sweat, and tears. This is the same nation that does not even belong to whites–but has been dominated and built to benefit whites–that is denying people who might look like me entry into the U.S.

But I digress, that’s another story for another post. We are at war. I am no vigilante, but I am an activist. I am a black woman in America. And this war directly affects every part of my ancestry, my DNA. Every time I turn on the news or see anything Trump has said, I am internally cringing. My people–all brown people, really–are in danger. We are being hunted like Trayvon Martin. and captured like Sandra Bland. Can you believe that it’s been over 4 years since the Black Lives Matter movement erupted? This is my generation’s Civil Rights Movement. This is our time to build on what our Grandparents marched for with Dr. King and countless others.

But we have to be smarter, faster, stronger. We are 8 days into Black History Month and I haven’t heard a single white person make any mention of it. Not at work, not at the library, not in the streets. Why? Well, this isn’t new. Everything I have ever learned about black history, I had to research it for myself. America was never meant for us to flourish in. The “Justice System” never took into account black or brown people. America was never meant for us to grow and become some of the most influential men and women in history. That’s why so many of our people are locked up in the prison system, uneducated, and displaced. It is how America has trained us to be. Now is not the time for silence. We can’t be afraid to speak our mind, say what is or is not right.

We can no longer be pacified by people telling us that “it’s not as bad as it seems.” Would you tell a sexual assault victim that? Would you tell a war veteran that? Because that is what we are. This is real life for us. It seems so ridiculous that in 2017 I still have to walk out my front door and be so concerned with being assaulted because I am black or because I am a woman. And if something were to happen and I took matters into my hands and the Police get involved, I would be the one in cuffs. Because I “should have sought help.” In a country where the “help” does not apply to me.

This is the kind of war that came to rise when Hitler attempted to eradicate Jews. This is no different. Yet, America was quick to the rescue then. What about now? Because this war takes place on our soil, in our neighborhoods, in our schools, in our hospitals. Who is coming to OUR rescue?

I’m terrified for the kids I haven’t conceived or given birth to yet. I’m afraid for the family I haven’t been blessed with yet. But I’m gonna keep fighting.

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The Phoenix, Part 2

She has risen.

She has been reborn again and again.

She is constantly evolving into the woman she desires to become.

A product of mistakes, she is familiar with pain and struggle.

She is the meaning of adaptation and evolution.

She’s been burned by the flames, only to be re-constructed by the remnants of her own ashes.

Of her past. Remnants of the pain, deceit, depression, and hopelessness.

The sweet smell of change wafts through the air—

It serves as her personal aroma of incense.

Close your eyes…can you smell her?

Can you smell the bitter sweetness?

Can you taste her strength on your tongue?

Her beauty is more than skin deep.

She is not defined by a mask or a sheath.

She is everything inside and underneath.

She is plain Jane to the naked eye,

But truth is, she is Extra Ordinary.

Her simplicity cannot be duplicated.

Her past remains in the still-burning embers in the fireplace,

But her future is in full bloom.

Out of ashes she arose—

from the flames of hell.

But here she is, radiant and powerful in her own right.

Written in 2010.

Learning to Paint with all the Colors of the Wind

fullsizerenderAs a kid, we all loved Disney’s spin on fairy tales. The story of Pocahontas was Disney’s first attempt at recreating a historical event. I was a little over four years old when Pocahontas came out. I loved it. I had the glasses, the sheets, even my toothbrush was Pocahontas. I loved her because she was strong and brave–things I wanted to be. It was also one of the few Disney movies where the woman didn’t need to be saved by a man. Of course, at the time I had no idea what gender roles or stereotypes were about.

As I’ve gotten older, I have re-watched Pocahontas and discovered myself within the story lines. Especially after my Grandmother passed away. It helped to think that she was all around me. If I needed her, I just needed to be still and listen with my heart. She is my Grandmother Willow. I have found that when I am missing her the most, watching Pocahontas soothes me. I know it might not make sense to you, but it works for me.

I went a long time without seeing my Grandmother after she passed. And then one overnight shift at work, I heard her call my name. I looked up, and I saw her walking towards me. My reaction was nothing short of freaking out. I jumped up and answered her, but she was gone as fast as she came. You might think I’m nuts. But the truth is, I’ve been seeing Angels my whole life. I used to see my Mom when I was younger. Sometimes I smell my Grandfather. But in that moment at work, I was finally seeing my Grandmother. I wasn’t expecting her. She had never been to my place of work, but clearly she always knows where to find me. I just had to sit up and listen. I watched Pocahontas the next day.

There is a scene in the movie where Pocahontas is wandering through the woods shouting “Grandmother Willow! I need to talk to you!” This is how I envision myself whenever I am watching Pocahontas. It’s how I communicate with my Grandmother. When I’m especially missing her, I listen to Grandmother Willow’s song, Listen With Your Heart. So, that’s what I’m doing. I can’t see her, or touch her, but I can listen with my heart. She taught me how to do that my whole life.

The Pocahontas Soundtrack has become a part of the soundtrack of my life. I have been searching for the right path my whole life. Grandmother Willow teaches us that sometimes the right path is not the easiest one. I just want to know what’s Around the River bend for me. My Grandmother taught me to paint with the Colors of the Wind when she was teaching me how to be compassionate. And even still, now that she is gone–I am still learning to paint with all the colors of the wind because I look for her between the rustling of the trees.

I look for her in the sunrise, the sunset. I look for her in the way the leaves fall from the trees. I search for her at Ocean Drive between the rumbling of each wave. I find her in the strangest of places, disguised as the funniest creatures. She knows I need to laugh, to smile.

I haven’t been to Church since the day after she passed away, over two years ago. But I bought a Bible to hold in between my fingertips. So I can feel how the spirit helped her push on as long as it did. I don’t talk to God anymore. I talk to Grandmother Willow. When I pray, I’m praying that my Guardian Angel can give me strength. I don’t know what my faith is anymore, but I have faith in my Grandmother Willow. She has never failed me.

Side Note: You can find the talented tattoo artist responsible for the shrine on my leg on Facebook here. (Thanks Eric!)

Goodreads: In a FICKLE…or did I mean pickle?

Goodreads: In a FICKLE…or did I mean pickle?

A short while ago, I was perusing through Netgalley– this awesome site where you get free advanced copies of books in exchange for your opinion. Which in my opinion, is the greatest thing since sliced bread. However, I’m biased because my love for books in unequivocal.

I love all fiction–but within the last year I felt like I’ve read so many Gone Girl-ish type thrillers and I was looking for a change.  I wanted something new and original–something different in general. So here I am scrolling my life away when I stumbled upon the cover for Peter Manus’ FICKLE.  The cover is minimal-esque yet it caught my attention. The black and red had me thinking that it would be some sort of crime drama with murder and suspense. (I ALWAYS judge books by their cover and I am not usually wrong.) I clicked on over to Goodreads and surprise–it’s been published before and most of the reviews were decent.

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FICKLE is told primarily through blog posts and comments–definitely with the times’. I have tried to read a book that was told in a similar fashion, think Where She Went, and had to put it down because I couldn’t make sense of it. This was not that.

FICKLE is the definition of noir. I don’t think the story would be as intriguing if it weren’t told through blogs. Each character (there are a lot of them) has their own voice and personality. The usernames are comical but also practical for each personality. It didn’t feel like I was reading a book. It felt like I was reading a blog that I just couldn’t add my own comments on.

You can read my original review here on Goodreads. This was the review that got the attention of the wonderful people over at Diversion Books, which has republished Peter Manus’ FICKLE. I was fortunate enough to be offered an opportunity for a QA with the author.  Please be warned–there are some slight spoilers. But not enough to spoil the whole thing.

Finding Fenix: I noticed that FICKLE was originally published in 2008. Were there changes to the storyline and/or characters during the production of this new edition?

Peter Manus: Yes, I took advantage of Diversion’s incredible offer to put out a second edition and whittled down some elements of the book. In 2008, the kind of clubby blogging that fickel and her blog friends are into was pretty new, and so I had a lot of expository stuff in there to explain the whole phenomenon. So, I weeded and streamlined it. But the essential storyline — girl witnesses train suicide, girl blogs about it with her blog buds, girl attracts cyber-psycho — and the primary characters — l.g.fickel, Mysterious Hottie, Burly Bear, Full Frontal, proudblacktrannie, chinkigirl, etc. — are all intact.

FF: How did the popularity of social media help you decide to tell the story using this device? How do you think this influences the plot?

PM: Social media wasn’t quite as much everywhere when I wrote FICKLE, so my idea was more a case of experimenting with this new, potentially dangerous form of socializing than making a comment about the social media we know now.  The format — everything’s written through fickel’s Life Is Pulp blog or Full Frontal’s Existentialism Engorged — is essential to the plot and the whole reading experience.  It’s about the freaky world of internet friendship, flirting, stalking, and eventually terrorizing.  Without the blog device, it would be a nice retro mystery about why some stranger dropped himself in front of a train at this particular girl’s feet.

FF: How were you able to keep track of so many different personalities and still maintain the flow of the plot?

PM: The bloggies — these are the eight or nine fans of fickel’s blog who chat with her through the wee hours about her increasingly scary situation — essentially wrote themselves.  I let them come to the blog in whatever way seemed natural to them. It was a strange experience, to be honest, having these full-fleshed people in this increasingly intense, panicky, obsessive relationship that consists solely of them all typing back and forth in a comment section. But I didn’t really give a thought to the fact that I was channeling all these diverse voices, and maybe that’s why I didn’t have any trouble letting them do their own thing.

FF: Our online personalities tend to differ from our everyday personalities. How would you describe l.g.fickel’s everyday personality?

PM: I mean, that’s really the question about her, right?  She’s certainly the ingenue of the plot — this slightly snarky, self-deprecating, booky type who’s bravely trying to play detective and figure out what this Mr. Suicide guy was all about.  But we get increasing glimpses of this other girl — tougher, darker, more fierce in what she’s after and what she’s protecting. And then there’s the kinky thing.  As those hints come from the blog of a guy who seems to be stalking fickel, they’re not necessarily reliable. The reader gets to feel out where the real woman is amid all the verbal crosscurrents.

FF: The conclusion of FICKLE is a bit ambiguous and is open to interpretation from the reader. What was the purpose behind that? How do you think it affects the story for each reader?

PM: I knew from the start that if I’m writing a book about how internet socializing can screw with people, I had to be true to that.  And that meant that the ending had to throw some contradictions at the reader.  You don’t know which ending is the real one because when you chase along a story via the internet, you only have other people’s word for it that what’s happening is happening.  It’s the ultimate unreliable narrator scenario. That’s part of why I pitched it as a noir, because those old noirs played with the cheating narrator concept a lot.  Hey, I just almost wrote that the noirs introduced the unreliable narrator, but I think it was Agatha Christie in MURDER OF ROGER ACKROYD. I understand she got a lot of press, and also flack, for it. I thought she pulled it off kind of brilliantly.

I want to close by thanking you for these questions, which demonstrate that you really got what was different and daring about FICKLE.  It’s pretty gratifying for an author, especially with a book like this one!  I’ve got another book coming out — FIVE DEAD GUYS AND A GIRL — which Diversion is publishing (with my eternal gratitude!)  5DG&AG is also pretty different — a seemingly placid woman inveigles herself into the lives of five men and has some success in her plot to exterminate them, but a scrappy Boston cop out to prove herself starts honing in on her method.  So, a bit less challenging as a concept than FICKLE but still plenty offbeat. I hope you’ll try it when it’s available.

The bottom line is that FICKLE is a must read for anyone who enjoys a good twisty mystery and suspense. You can grab your copy today in stores and online!

A quick shout out to Peter Manus for taking time out of his busy day to answer these questions, and to the publisher Diversion books for this opportunity! 
I can’t wait for FIVE GUYS AND A DEAD GIRL to come out!